Uncomfortable

So the plan was for this post to be light and non-serious because I don't want to be depressing or self-important, but tonight something happened and I can't stop thinking about it.

I made a post-gym Subway run tonight to pick up dinner for the two of us, and I was still recovering from the workout and anticipating my delicious sandwich when a woman walked into the store, dressed in ratty clothes and hat, almost toothless, dirt-covered hands, cigarette and lighter in hand. I could only assume she was homeless, not only from her appearance but from the way that she just seemed lost and tired. As she approached the cashier, I could see the lady behind the counter having much the same reaction as I was having - not disdain, but bracing ourselves for what might follow. The woman simply asked for a cup and some water, which the Subway people gladly provided her. I continued ordering our sandwiches as she went and filled her cup with water, adding delicious-sounding vegetables, cheese, etc. to our sandwiches, and at the last minute I approached the woman and asked if she would like a sandwich. She laughed and said, "well honey, I ain't got no money." I clarified that I'd buy the sandwich, at which point she all but hugged me and exclaimed what a blessing it was to have dinner tonight.

I share this not because of what just happened, but because of what happened next. As she stood there deciding what kind of sandwich to order, she kept approaching me, thanking me gratefully and enthusiastically, and getting progressively closer to me and my "personal space." I was disgusted at my initial instinct to step back, away from the smell of sweat and cigarette smoke, away from the dirty fingernails, away from this person who was foreign to me. What was even more unnerving than her grabbing my hand was the look in her eyes - it felt strange to have steady eye contact with someone who I might drive by every day on the street. I don't know why this unnerved me, but it did. We introduced ourselves to each other and talked about a few other things - I'm not sure what. As I left the store and processed what just happened, I was ashamed of my quickness to assume the worst, that she might be dangerous or that something about her might not be okay.

I experienced a similar feeling this weekend at the open house our church had, talking to a few homeless and/or destitute residents of the community. It was by no means a conscious reaction that I thought about - in my head, I wanted to help them and to be next to them and to listen to them. But I was uncomfortable with this closeness, and I contemplated on my way home tonight how Christ would be the first to grab her hand, hug her, befriend her without abandon or hesitation. How profoundly this marks the difference and my great need.