Oh, stress

I hate unknowns. I realize that sounds extremely obvious, but unlike those lucky few who can waltz through uncertainty with ease and unfaltering faith, I tend to panic when I find out I don't know the exact steps or rhythm I am supposed to follow. I function infinitely better when I can pinpoint the things floating up in the air and give myself a visual of what the future will look like...and it is ridiculous because not once has God let something slip between the cracks, and not once has He failed to work things out a million times better than I could have expected.

I am so excited about the prospect of starting graduate school in the fall because it means two things: 1) I will be moving forward to actually being able to do what I feel called to do; and 2) I won't feel stuck in a job that, at times, drives me nuts! But graduate school also means more financial burden, especially when you are married to a medical student - lower salary, a more hectic work schedule, figuring out how much I can work while in school and what that means for us, and (worst case scenario) more loans. These are all things that we both knew and decided that the extra pressure for two years is outweighed by the benefits this addition will have both to my career and to my overall happiness...but just because I knew about them in my head does ot make them any more daunting or terrifying when they're all floating around aimlessly in my head.

I wish that my faith was stronger and that I could 100% trust with BOTH my head and my heart. I wish that money didn't have the ability to make my stomach ache, and that the lack of it didn't scare me to death. I have been blessed so much in that I haven't ever really had to worry, and although I know we will be taken care of and provided for, making these decisions as an adult is scarier than I would have guessed. I wish that, at the first sign of trouble, I did not immediately reconsider whether this is what I should be doing, even if it means not doing what I feel I am being led to. And most of all, I wish that stress and my silly fear of the unknown didn't make me turn inward and be so self-focused.

But I have great friends, great family, and a husband who knows how to calm me down (i.e. take me out for delicious pasta and chocolate). When I remember those things, the floating questions disappear for a little while.